This past week has been flooded with anxiety, sadness, tears, and rain. It seems the sky, like my heart, has cracked open and is leaking everywhere. Unsure of how to move forward without destroying everything and everyone in my path, I am not feeling ‘under-the-weather’ I am feeling smack-dab in the epicentre of the current storm. I am Tornado Heidi, a whirlwind of confusion, emotion, and unpredictable, high- pressured leakage. My future is spinning around me, I can’t see which direction is right, which one is safe! And do I want safe? Or do I want panic, and disaster? Does a small part of me thrive on chaos?
The summer heat has built up so much pressure, the cyclones have hijacked our weekend. Many Australians have lost their homes due to flooding (which is something that is not completely uncommon here in Queensland, I’ve been informed by long-time residents that minor flooding happens along the Brisbane river almost every season) it is horribly tragic none-the-less. The water rushes forward to devour cars, trees, buildings. A tornado warning was issued last night. Today, a river falls from the sky. People are being evacuated from their homes. Others are already stranded on their rooftops awaiting rescue.
I have never seen so much rain, so much water. It is nothing like the steady and persistent drizzle that can last for months in Vancouver, Canada. Here, the rain comes down with such pressure it bounces two feet off of the ground, off of wood and cement and the rusted metal of an old car’s ‘boot.’ Each raindrop becomes airborne once again and joins forces with a million other droplets to create new rivers in the middle of the city. Swift currents race down sidewalks and roads, spitting up at the turning wheels of every jeep, every truck. On the news they show footage of entire cars being gobbled up by the flood.
And here I sit, indoors, literally safe, emotionally drowning, with dark cloudy thoughts. I am pondering the question, to be or not to be… [in a relationship], like it is a life-threatening, like if I don’t decided right this instant, the world will end. Like, if I make the wrong choice, the wrong decision, I will lose everything, I will lose myself.
I want two things simultaneously, I want the security, the comfort, the beauty of sharing my life with another, a person who I cherish, respect, love deeply and adore, and who loves me, supports me, inspires me. I also want to know I can be alone, understand my own weaknesses, my own strengths. Am I scared of being alone? …Sometimes. I wonder if that is what keeps me tethered? Or if there is more here: a deep-rooted connection, a force of fait or faith, of love. I want to be sure I can survive on my own, and not float away into clouds of fantasy.
But can I do both?
Can I know myself with another and know myself alone? Can I accomplish everything I hope to while still being a good lover, a good friend? Or will my selfish nature, my greed, (which I like to euphemise as “my ambition”) destroy everything? Can I capture my dreams first, then capture your heart later? Or can we capture our dreams together, and stay strong, and independent.
My soul may be older and wiser than my mind, but my mind is louder, and it is screaming to my heart.
The weather channel predicts more storms, more rain, more flooding. For me, for you, for everyone, I predict more confusion, more tears. These storms will come and go in life, in relationships. But, doubt is not alway synonymous with doom. At least I know myself enough to know that my emotional storms come with all of the strength, passion, and force of a tropical climate. When it rains, it pours. When sadness comes it floods. When the sunreturns, perhaps I’ll burn with a new emotion, I’ll sizzle in clarity.
Until next time,
Heidi J. Loos