AHHH Who am I kidding?!
Break ups SUCK!
Transitions are never thaaaat smooth. Lovers to friends is difficult at best, impossible for some. So I wish, I hope, I pray, that I will not lose my lover and my best friend at the same time… (uh oh, I feel a sappy break up poem coming on…so just bear with me)
Even when they are totally necessary and planned and discussed thoroughly
Break ups are merciless,
Breakups dose their victims in gasoline
and burn them to the bone,
they sting the surface of your empty palm where you once held your lover’s hand so many times before
and where it is no longer going to sit, soft, loving, secure, weaved between your own fingers,
the cruel air stings your skin;
your heart falls to pieces,
cracks in the middle,
tears at the edges.
And you think about this magical closeness, this beautiful bond that you shared and then you threw away…
the day it was cut, sliced, severed,
an open wound left to bleed out, to leak out from your eyeballs and your nostrils, tears and snot,
to shake you and wake you like an earthquake in the night
and when you wake every night and every morning
you wake to the sound of your own screaming heart,
day and night,
day and night,
night and day…
until the screaming softens
and all that is left is the memory
of your screaming, broken heart…
I think it is WAY easier when you can just hate the person, say they cheated on you, they lied to you, they stole money from you, they had sex with your mom, they killed your dog- whatever! Well, maybe that’s a bit too far, but you get the point. It’s just so much easier when your ex is an asshole.
And obviously, in my case, not so much… In fact, I feel like the asshole. A selfish, confused, potentially self-destructive asshole. And I am throwing away the best relationship I’ve ever been in, with the best, most genuine, trustworthy, compassionate lover I’ve ever had. But the truth is, I had to do it… I’m broken inside, and I need to fix myself…
I need to be alone.
There is a million different reasons why I need to be alone. But none of them make this any easier. I don’t want to be alone, I am terrified of being alone, I’ve never been alone for longer than a couple months at a time… I don’t even know who I am outside of a relationship. I don’t know the girl who lives under my skin, inside this skull. But one day I will.
Today, I begin my journey of self-discovery. I need this. I keep telling myself.
I need this.
Every heartbreak I’ve endeavored thus far I’ve turned to substances to dull the pain. I start smoking two packs a day, I drink to get drunk every night, I stop eating, and I take pills. But not this time. This time, i am little older, and a little wiser, but most importantly I’m A LOT more determined to stay true to myself, to my body, to my mind, to my entire being. I am making a promise to myself to stay healthy through this break up.
I will eat, exercise and drink…water, lots of water. 😉
I will learn again, how to take care of myself, how to be solely independent, and how to be a good friend instead of just a lover, how to accomplish my goals, and achieve happiness on my own. I will write like I’ve never written before. Every day a new page, a new chapter, a new story.
You are in my thoughts, you are in my heart. And I am so deeply grateful for all the incredible times we’ve had together and everything you have taught me along the way.
Goodbye my lover.
Hello, my friend.
“The universe will shake you out of your comfort zone, in order for you to grow” -Lucy Cavendish
I will look into the face of that which makes me most afraid, and I will disassemble my anxiety by true examination.
But today, I will let myself cry.
Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are salty droplets of strength, sadness, and truth. My truth.
Until Next Time,
Heidi J. Loos