the inevitable

(an update of sorts.)

Tonight, I’m feeling proud of myself, hopeful, and super excited about the future.

I’m buzzing with ambition, and sky high hopes for  the multiple projects I have signed up for- there’s the Dead North Film Festival from now until January 31st, then I am going to do another mini doc for CBC’s Exhibitionists, then in March or April I want to shoot my short script “Hands Don’t Lie.” and all the while there is an exiting creative project that I am undertaking at my day job that I will be able to speak publicly to soon.

I talk faster, I stay up later, all I can think about is my projects. But I know that this feeling won’t last. So I’m trying to stop for just a minute and breathe, and just really enjoy it.  I’ve come to know this as my natural cycle of intense highs and lows. The only problem is, I never know how long its going to last…

A couple months ago I was in a state of depression and I didn’t want to do anything, no projects, no goals, nothing. I didn’t even really want to talk to people. I just wanted to make it through the day without crying. This down period was the longest (or at least it felt like the longest) I’ve ever experienced in my life so far. During this period I started going to counselling and talked a lot to my counsellor about my deep seeded self doubt and anger and pain. Then something happened- well, actually nothing in particular happened but I got Happy Heidi back, and poof. I love life, I love myself, I love my projects, I want to sign up for everything and anything. I am on top of the world – and I truly believe I can do anything.

My counsellor said she believes (although she did not have the qualifications to officially diagnose me) that I am bipolar.

I have often wondered about my mental health, but I also have very strong objections to taking prescription medications (a trait I definitely learned and/or inherited from my mother). I am sure they are beneficial and absolutely necessary for some people, but I just don’t want to be dependent or addicted to another substance. And the truth is, I never want to get rid of the highs. I actually accomplish so much when I’m in this manic, obsessive, creative, state.

I’m sure, down the road if my down periods get longer, or circumstances change and my mental health is really negatively affecting my work and relationships I may consider seeking medical intervention. But for now, I’m just going to ride the high. And I’ve always believed there is a very thin line between creativity and insanity.

So let me tell you about the good things…

Yesterday, I submitted my first short film to an actual film festival (the Dawson International Short Film Festival). And I’m so proud of the little story we created. Of course, being the perfectionist I am, I was disappointed I couldn’t figure out all of the special effects I had wanted to do in post but I did learn a lot along the way which was the ultimate goal. I learned so much more about colour grading and blending modes which I will definitely use in my next narrative project. Now I’m just happy we completed it in a short time frame, and I know that every project from here on out will be a little bit stronger because of it. And look how cute and witchy my actors look here –>

witch-therapy

Then tonight I handed in the first draft of my script for the Dead North Film Festival. I’m finally going to make a short film about the two teenage mediums Jade & Tash who met in the spirit realm as children. I’ve been dying to tell this story or a version of this story since my undergrad at UBC. Although this version is definitely going to be much more psychological thriller/suspenseful than the first script I wrote on the concept. I am super excited to receive my first round of feedback on it…

deadnorth-scriptplanning

I’m also thrilled that I get to go down to Vancouver for KNEE SURGERY tomorrow! YES, you heard right! I get to get MY KNEE FIXED FOR CHRISTMAS!

Which means one day in my future, I’ll be playing roller derby again! yaaaaay.

But this also means in a couple of days I’ll be on crutches again, in a lot pain and very likely hitting rock bottom in the emotional department- but for now I’m going to go to bed smiling (or stay up and write more, and then make a five year plan even though I already pretty much have one, but more goals, more goals!) 😉

It’s just like my tarot cards said today:

9ofcups

9 of Cups

“Very, very good times are here- there is a real feeling of making it when this card makes an appearance in a spread. It’s a card signifying a kind of overflowing feeling – delight and plenty in equal doses is flushing the doubt right out of your life, and  you’re now feeling a lot closer to your true self than you were all those times when you wondered whether it was really worth the effort. Remember everything is a process (think of the Wheel of Fortune card) and that this blissful time will change, too- but don’t let go of how happy it makes you feel – and keep that close to you to keep you going through the inevitable tougher times that come up in life. Remember to share some of this good stuff around too- and don’t forget to spread a little love- everything you send out will increase what comes back to you, ultimately. Stay generous to your heart.” – Lucy Cavendish.

From the Oracle Tarot- a deck that’s seen my ups and downs one thousand times over since I first bought them at age sixteen. They know me so well.

Life is full of magic-

even on the days you can’t see it.

Thanks for reading!

Love & Gratitude,

Heidi J. Loos

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