Category Archives: HJL Weekly

My Weekly Blog!

Yukon Web Series

I am pretty excited about this project I’m managing at work 🙂  We’re producing a documentary style web series about young Yukon workers and entrepreneurs, so spread the word!!!yg-ecdev-casting_call_poster-web

❤ HJL

 

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My 2017 Resolutions

So I’m a few days late with these, but here is what I hope to achieve this year! I have a REALLY good feeling about 2017… It’s going to be a BIG one for me. 😀

In 2017 will try my best to:

  1. 2017Treat my  body with kindness, patience and respect.
  2. Rehabilitate my knee- lots of gentle exercise & phsyio
  3. Make at least 3 short films
  4. Submit one or two of my short films to some film festivals
  5. Make 1 or 2 mini-documentaries
  6. Start planning/pre-production phase for my LGBT web series
  7. Get Married to my favourite human being on the planet! (date is set, venue is booked, it’s looking pretty damn likely, folks!) ❤
  8. Roadtrip to the East Coast
  9. EXPLORE all different towns and cities across Canada
  10. FILM our roadtrip to the East Coast
  11. Join a roller derby league in Halifax (or somewhere out east)
  12. Make some cool new friends
  13. Lots of creative collaboration***
  14. Get involved in the film scene on the East Coast
  15. Take a class or course in something that interests me
  16. Submit my writing to some literary journals & contests
  17. GET NEW PUPPY!!!! Because Darla needs a companion…

I LOVE New Year’s Resolutions, especially looking back at them at the end of the year and seeing what I hoped/expected for the year and what actually happened. For some reason I totally missed writing resolutions for 2016 but I definitely achieved A LOT, and I’m quite proud of my accomplishments this past year. But I know I am going to learn and grow and achieve even more this year with all the exciting changes that are coming my way.

I wish you all the best with your resolutions, dreams & goals!

xox

Heidi J. Loos

ACL Surgery

I don’t think I was mentally prepared for just how painful (and emotionally draining) ACL repair surgery would be. Not the actual surgery because thank goodness the anesthetic knocked me right out and the fentanyl and morphine made sure I didn’t feel much of anything for the whole first day and a half. But the days and weeks after are kinda brutal, at least they have been for me. I had never broken any bones or had any surgeries before this so it has been quite the learning experience.

knee-1-week-post-op
Healing Nicely! 1 Week Post Op

I am so happy that I purchased a Cyrocuff icepack because it helps SO MUCH with pain management and keeping the swelling down. I initially said no to it, because I thought the clinic was just trying to upsell me – but seriously it is SO worth the cost… And I am ever so grateful to my loving and caring fiance for filling up the ice cooler every 6 hours and carrying it up and down the stairs for me and basically answering to my every beck & call. I’m so lucky and feeling pretty damn loved.But being in constant pain has made me into way more of an erratic bitch than usual which I’m hoping I am getting to the other side of now. I mean, I anticipated the crying because I’ve always been a crier but I didn’t expect the bursts of rage that have accompanied me on this journey of healing.

Before the surgery I thought I’d be on crutches for a week after or something and then right back to it but it’s been 12 days and I definitely can’t put all my weight on that leg yet. The post-op package I got says most people use crutches and then a cane for 3 weeks to a month afterwards. And I can almost extend my leg fully now which I have to be able to do at the end of two weeks post op. So I’m just hoping and praying I can walk by the time my next film shoot comes along mid January because I’m really excited about it and don’t want to have to forfeit the Dead North Film challenge on account of my knee.

I have been able to start biking on a stationary bike with no resistance for 10 minute intervals 3-4 times a day but 10 minutes feels like forever when there is a severe stabbing sensation up and down your leg every time you pedal.

I know now that it’s going to be a much longer road to recovery then I thought and I really need to slow down and let myself heal. I went back to work three days after surgery and I really should have taken last week off. Upon reading the post-op guidelines it says if your job is not a physical one you can return in ‘a few weeks’. But I just thought because I work an office job I’d be fine to just keep my leg elevated. Bad idea! My body and mind have just felt so utterly broken and exhausted. And that’s it, healing from surgery is just emotionaly and physically exhausting.

It has been especially hard for me to be so vulnerable and have to ask for help all the time which is just not a skill I have mastered. I’ve become much more aware of all the places and spaces I go on a daily basis that are not accessible. Even just trying to get in and out of the bathroom at work last week was a struggle. Privilege often blinds us, and I feel more awake to the discrimination and accessibility barriers people with physical disabilities face on a daily basis in our modern ableist society. Time to make some art about it and challenge these systems of oppression. Okay, not quite yet, but definitely soon!

I feel much better after having 4 days off for Christmas but I’m starting to feel a little stressed about my Dead North film project. There is a lot to plan & coordinate for the shoot. I know I can do it- but I also know, I never know when to say no and not push myself to the point of exhaustion.

Hopefully my team will pull through and we will be able to create something amazing together even if I’m not feeling 100%. After all, time, rest & physiotherapy will heal my knee, but creativity will heal my soul. ❤

Happy Holidays Y’All. Hope you’ve had an excellent, rejuvenating break 2.

HJL

the inevitable

(an update of sorts.)

Tonight, I’m feeling proud of myself, hopeful, and super excited about the future.

I’m buzzing with ambition, and sky high hopes for  the multiple projects I have signed up for- there’s the Dead North Film Festival from now until January 31st, then I am going to do another mini doc for CBC’s Exhibitionists, then in March or April I want to shoot my short script “Hands Don’t Lie.” and all the while there is an exiting creative project that I am undertaking at my day job that I will be able to speak publicly to soon.

I talk faster, I stay up later, all I can think about is my projects. But I know that this feeling won’t last. So I’m trying to stop for just a minute and breathe, and just really enjoy it.  I’ve come to know this as my natural cycle of intense highs and lows. The only problem is, I never know how long its going to last…

A couple months ago I was in a state of depression and I didn’t want to do anything, no projects, no goals, nothing. I didn’t even really want to talk to people. I just wanted to make it through the day without crying. This down period was the longest (or at least it felt like the longest) I’ve ever experienced in my life so far. During this period I started going to counselling and talked a lot to my counsellor about my deep seeded self doubt and anger and pain. Then something happened- well, actually nothing in particular happened but I got Happy Heidi back, and poof. I love life, I love myself, I love my projects, I want to sign up for everything and anything. I am on top of the world – and I truly believe I can do anything.

My counsellor said she believes (although she did not have the qualifications to officially diagnose me) that I am bipolar.

I have often wondered about my mental health, but I also have very strong objections to taking prescription medications (a trait I definitely learned and/or inherited from my mother). I am sure they are beneficial and absolutely necessary for some people, but I just don’t want to be dependent or addicted to another substance. And the truth is, I never want to get rid of the highs. I actually accomplish so much when I’m in this manic, obsessive, creative, state.

I’m sure, down the road if my down periods get longer, or circumstances change and my mental health is really negatively affecting my work and relationships I may consider seeking medical intervention. But for now, I’m just going to ride the high. And I’ve always believed there is a very thin line between creativity and insanity.

So let me tell you about the good things…

Yesterday, I submitted my first short film to an actual film festival (the Dawson International Short Film Festival). And I’m so proud of the little story we created. Of course, being the perfectionist I am, I was disappointed I couldn’t figure out all of the special effects I had wanted to do in post but I did learn a lot along the way which was the ultimate goal. I learned so much more about colour grading and blending modes which I will definitely use in my next narrative project. Now I’m just happy we completed it in a short time frame, and I know that every project from here on out will be a little bit stronger because of it. And look how cute and witchy my actors look here –>

witch-therapy

Then tonight I handed in the first draft of my script for the Dead North Film Festival. I’m finally going to make a short film about the two teenage mediums Jade & Tash who met in the spirit realm as children. I’ve been dying to tell this story or a version of this story since my undergrad at UBC. Although this version is definitely going to be much more psychological thriller/suspenseful than the first script I wrote on the concept. I am super excited to receive my first round of feedback on it…

deadnorth-scriptplanning

I’m also thrilled that I get to go down to Vancouver for KNEE SURGERY tomorrow! YES, you heard right! I get to get MY KNEE FIXED FOR CHRISTMAS!

Which means one day in my future, I’ll be playing roller derby again! yaaaaay.

But this also means in a couple of days I’ll be on crutches again, in a lot pain and very likely hitting rock bottom in the emotional department- but for now I’m going to go to bed smiling (or stay up and write more, and then make a five year plan even though I already pretty much have one, but more goals, more goals!) 😉

It’s just like my tarot cards said today:

9ofcups

9 of Cups

“Very, very good times are here- there is a real feeling of making it when this card makes an appearance in a spread. It’s a card signifying a kind of overflowing feeling – delight and plenty in equal doses is flushing the doubt right out of your life, and  you’re now feeling a lot closer to your true self than you were all those times when you wondered whether it was really worth the effort. Remember everything is a process (think of the Wheel of Fortune card) and that this blissful time will change, too- but don’t let go of how happy it makes you feel – and keep that close to you to keep you going through the inevitable tougher times that come up in life. Remember to share some of this good stuff around too- and don’t forget to spread a little love- everything you send out will increase what comes back to you, ultimately. Stay generous to your heart.” – Lucy Cavendish.

From the Oracle Tarot- a deck that’s seen my ups and downs one thousand times over since I first bought them at age sixteen. They know me so well.

Life is full of magic-

even on the days you can’t see it.

Thanks for reading!

Love & Gratitude,

Heidi J. Loos

Not Fun-Knee!

I had my surgery consultation today and unfortunately my knee is even more screwed up than my doctor thought. I found out last week that the MRI showed a complete ACL tear, but the surgeon says there is more to it than that. I also have damage to my outer ligament and scuffing on the bone so he cannot do the ACL repair surgery here as my kneeds are too great! >.< Additional repairs must be done at the same time making the surgery a lot more complicated than they initially thought. Now I have been put on another wait list to get a consultation with a sports medicine surgeon who works out of UBC.

Keep your fingers crossed for me… I need my knee for roller derby! (among other things…)

radishderby

But seriously joining roller derby is hands down one of the best things I have done this past year. It was on my bucketlist even before I moved to Australia in 2012 and I am so happy I finally joined. The Yukon Roller Girls has been the most wonderful, welcoming and supportive league to do my fresh meat training, min skills test, and play in my first bout. I absolutely love the sport, the competitiveness it brings out of me, and the extended derby community. I just hate not being able to play. I was heartbroken to sit out the 1st YRG home bout in over 3 years, but glad I could at least film it.

I knew my knee was really messed up when I first injured it in June- and by the way: I DID NOT injure it during derby, it was during SOCCERkneeinjury

and FYI soccer and basketball are known to injure way more knees than roller derby ever will, so don’t believe what your mama tells you when she says roller derby is far too dangerous… Derby is good for the soul! Anyway I did everything the physiotherapist said to do and was off skates for three months. But when I was still experiencing weakness and pain all the way up my leg I decided to listen to my body for once and go back to the Doc.

The resident doctor I went to basically told me to suck it up and that there was nothing wrong. He said I didn’t need an MRI, so I had to get my physiotherapist to write a letter recommending the doctor to refer me for imaging. Thankfully that worked, but it was kind of annoying to say the least. I have had a few really frustrating experiences with doctors and I find they never really listen to me. Maybe because so many people use Dr. Google and are hypochondriacs, but I really think as patients we do know our bodies best so what we have to say about it shouldn’t just be dismissed. I actually have a really high pain tolerance (I think). Anyway for the last two months I have been going to the gym or swimming every single morning, and for the last month I’ve been back at derby. However, since the MRI results last week the Doctor has urged me to stop doing any contact until I get my custom knee brace ordered. If I do further damage to the other ligaments now my knee may not be fixable with surgery.

I get to order my custom knee brace tomorrow which will cost me $1,350 :O and if I can’t get in to see the specialist at UBC (which would only be partially covered by medical) my other option is the Cambie clinic in Vancouver but knee surgery there will likely cost me about $10,000.

So do me a favour, and if you have two good knees don’t take those little buggers forgranted.

Xox

Love & Gratitude,

Heidi J. Loos

aka Raging Radish

Your Letter Shames Me

You’d think award winning writers of all people would be able to steer clear of the cliche and harmful narratives of rape culture- but no, they are being widely distributed by the Canadian literature community.

I am disgusted.

For me, as a UBC creative writing grad, and a survivor of multiple sexual assaults reading this letter was very disturbing and triggering.

Stop shaming us for coming forward, or for staying quiet. Stop shaming us for wanting justice, or for not wanting anyone to know. Stop hurting us! Stop belittling us! Stop questioning the legitimacy of our allegations! STOP SURVIVOR SHAMING!

I am a survivor, and I will always stand with survivors.

It is so fucking hard to come forward when this shit happens.

When my soccer coach sexually assaulted me at fourteen I was terrified to come forward, but I did, and a lot of people didn’t believe me. The police made me feel like it was my fault, that I lead on my 50 year old coach. WTF. They made me believe that if I went through with it and tried to press charges, I would ruin his career, his reputation, and I didn’t really want that right? Especially since he had a family, and was a stand up guy, very smart, and well-liked in the community. So i didn’t press charges, but years later I wish i did. I worry that he has hurt so many girls because I couldn’t stop him. It still haunts me.

While I was attending UBC I was sexually assaulted on public transit. It was night time and no one else was on the bus. He pinned me against the window and grabbed my thighs and crotch and breasts. I was petrified. When I finally wriggled out of his grasp and got off the bus I ran and ran, tears flowing down my face, terrified that he was following me to come rape me. This still haunts me.

And there are more, some of which I just can’t bring myself to speak publicly about. The shame is so intense, the guilt, and the fear.

When I heard about the allegations toward Steven Galloway I can’t say I was surprised, but I was very relieved I never took a class with him. I honestly think I avoided male professors in small class settings on purpose. Of course, I would never have admitted this then, I always rationalized it that I just preferred female teachers, and supervisors, and coaches because I could connect with them better or something. But really, it is because I have seen it, and lived it, and more than half the time the men who are abusing their power and making everyone uncomfortable don’t even know they are doing it because rape culture, duh! It’s everywhere. Every single woman I know has been sexually assaulted or raped, and they’re not fucking making it up.

We don’t make this shit up! When will people stop saying this? When will they stop standing with the perpetrators and rapists, and pointing fingers at us. Calling us the liars. Just because they ‘know’ them. Just because, we’re women, we’re emotional, and the allegations have not bee ‘proven’. Just because his words have more power, more value, and more worth then hers, and hers and hers, and mine.

I can’t, I just can’t.

1st Trump. Then this.

This letter has really shaken me up,  I feel really hurt that all of the authors who signed this, think its okay to stand with the perpetrator of sexual assault and publicly discredit and shame victims and survivors everywhere.

supportingsurvivors

Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

Heidi J. Loos

Wanna act?

It’s almost that time again!48hrfilmchallenge

The Yukon film society is hosting its 48 hour film challenge this weekend and I am putting a team together (albeit kind of last minute!). Anyway, I am in need of a couple solid actors! If you live or will be in Whitehorse, YT this weekend and are able to commit to a couple hour brainstorming session on Friday and a full day shoot Saturday- join my team! No acting experience necessary, just a willingness to try, take direction, and have FUN! If you are available and interested shoot me an email b4 Thursday evening: heidijloos@gmail.com

I hope to hear from you!!

💜❤️️💛

HJL

Costuming

The last couple of Octobers’ my fiance Lyndsie and I have had a blast dressing up and doing Halloween photo shoots. FYI, you’re never too old to play dress up, and I highly recommend letting LOOSE and letting that inner freak (or ghoul or witch) OUT.  Or just watch us do that in this video I made, and judge us for it. 😛 Because unique to this year, I actually have a video camera, so I was able to film some of our costuming endeavours this weekend.

Also, if you’d be so kind, let me know which costume(s) you like best (or if you have an idea that’s even BETTER with some of the clothing items, facepaint & accessories you see us in) TELL US and help us decide what to go out in next weekend.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! ❤

xox

HJL