Tag Archives: Brisbane

4. Flip Me Over and Hear Me Scream

Dear Blogosphere,

Today I was told that I look like a screamer… Apparently my face, even in a totally composed state, screams, “Screamer.” Not moaner, or crier, or silent, bug-eyed rider, no, somehow, I definitely look like a screamer. I was just unaware that I wear a Screamer pride badge on my sleeve, until today. But, like duh-

OF COURSE I’M A SCREAMER!!!!!

Why the heck would I hold it in? Why would anyone want to hold it in? Screams should NOT be kept in cages and fed pellets and week-old vegetables. Screams should run wild and free. They should fizz and pop and explode. So if there is a scream hiding out, nesting somewhere inside of you, for fuck sake, LET IT OUT!!! And if you don’t think you have one in you, Fuck off! You’re totally lying.

LET LOOSE PEOPLE, and let those screams take you places you’ve never been. Allow those screams to fill your head with endorphins and make you dizzy and giddy and free. Don’t worry about what people will think of you or if you’re going to hurt someone’s precious little eardrums. It feels damn good to be a  screamer! And I’m almost-probably sure there are multiple health benefits to regular screaming sessions. I mean, I would know, I spent the whole day doing it and I feel great!

screamers

Oh come on! Get your mind out of the gutter! I was screaming all day because I went to an amusement park on the Gold Coast called DreamWorld and it was magically epic. Probably even more epic than it would have been because I didn’t have to pay full price. And if you ask me, the day-passes are ridiculously overpriced, like most things here in Australia but anyway… the kind gentlemen standing in line in front of us gave my girlfriend and I half price tickets!

THANK-YOU SUPERHERO EFRON, you made our day 😉 and I wish millions of good karma points to you, your family, and your loved ones! (As if he will ever read this blog… and as if his name is actually spelled like that…) but whatever.  I sincerely hope that he was not one of the unfortunate people who were trapped on a ride beside me, and deafened by all of my soprano blasts.

It seems that my screams only get louder with age. Rides that would have induced a small hiccough of a scream from six or seven or eight-year old me now induce shrill maniac panic. Rides terrify and excite me. The child in me, forever young, urges me to go on the really speedy, flippy, spinny, twisted giants and for every year of my life there is a new voice asking another question, why not just stay off and watch? Who builds these rides? Are they really safe? How often do they get maintenance? What kind of mechanic builds amusement park rides and not car parts anyway? Wait, no, don’t think that, that’s problematic! What is that horrible creaking sound?  Is that the engine? Is it supposed to stop like this, while we are hanging upside down? Has something malfunctioned?  OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!

These voices can’t stop my inner child from getting what she wants because everyone, (or at least everyone that has known me for more than ten years), knows that little Heidi Loos was a Brat. So Bratty, and proud of it, I once owned a shirt that had Brat written on it in silver sparkly letters, or, it may have said “princess” but same dif- so all day I rode, and I screamed and I got thrown around, splashed in the face, tipped upside down, flipped backwards and sideways and jerked, creaked, zipped, zapped, splooshed and thrilled to the freaking bone.

And then,

IMG_6038  < I lost my voice!

Silent screams are soo not satisfying.

Maybe I need a screaming coach.

Until Next Time!

xOxO, (SCREAMS and kisses),

Heidi J. Loos

2. Storms, Floods, Impending Doom…

flood
Dear Blogosphere,

This past week has been flooded with anxiety, sadness, tears, and rain. It seems the sky, like my heart, has cracked open and is leaking everywhere. Unsure of how to move forward without destroying everything and everyone in my path, I am not feeling ‘under-the-weather’ I am feeling smack-dab in the epicentre of the current storm. I am Tornado Heidi, a whirlwind of confusion, emotion, and unpredictable, high- pressured leakage. My future is spinning around me, I can’t see which direction is right, which one is safe! And do I want safe? Or do I want panic, and disaster? Does a small part of me thrive on chaos?

The summer heat has built up so much pressure, the cyclones have hijacked our weekend. Many Australians have lost their homes due to flooding (which is something that is not completely uncommon here in Queensland, I’ve been informed by long-time residents that minor flooding happens along the Brisbane river almost every season) it is horribly tragic none-the-less. The water rushes forward to devour cars, trees, buildings. A tornado warning was issued last night. Today, a river falls from the sky. People are being evacuated from their homes. Others are already stranded on their rooftops awaiting rescue.

I have never seen so much rain, so much water. It is nothing like the steady and persistent drizzle that can last for months in Vancouver, Canada. Here, the rain comes down with such pressure it bounces two feet off of the ground, off of wood and cement and the rusted metal of an old car’s ‘boot.’ Each raindrop becomes airborne once again and joins forces with a million other droplets to create new rivers in the middle of the city. Swift currents race down sidewalks and roads, spitting up at the turning wheels of every jeep, every truck. On the news they show footage of entire cars being gobbled up by the flood.

And here I sit, indoors, literally safe, emotionally drowning, with dark cloudy thoughts. I am pondering the question, to be or not to be… [in a relationship], like it is a life-threatening, like if I don’t decided right this instant, the world will end. Like, if I make the wrong choice, the wrong decision, I will lose everything, I will lose myself.

I want two things simultaneously, I want the security, the comfort, the beauty of sharing my life with another, a person who I cherish, respect, love deeply and adore, and who loves me, supports me, inspires me. I also want to know I can be alone, understand my own weaknesses, my own strengths. Am I scared of being alone? …Sometimes. I wonder if that is what keeps me tethered? Or if there is more here: a deep-rooted connection, a force of fait or faith, of love. I want to be sure I can survive on my own, and not float away into clouds of fantasy.
But can I do both?
Can I know myself with another and know myself alone? Can I accomplish everything I hope to while still being a good lover, a good friend? Or will my selfish nature, my greed, (which I like to euphemise as “my ambition”) destroy everything? Can I capture my dreams first, then capture your heart later? Or can we capture our dreams together, and stay strong, and independent.

My soul may be older and wiser than my mind, but my mind is louder, and it is screaming to my heart.

The weather channel predicts more storms, more rain, more flooding. For me, for you, for everyone, I predict more confusion, more tears. These storms will come and go in life, in relationships. But, doubt is not alway synonymous with doom. At least I know myself enough to know that my emotional storms come with all of the strength, passion, and force of a tropical climate. When it rains, it pours. When sadness comes it floods. When the sunreturns, perhaps I’ll burn with a new emotion, I’ll sizzle in clarity.

Until next time,

Heidi J. Loos