Tag Archives: depression

Pet Therapy Endorsement

To be honest, I don’t even know what pet therapy is, or what exactly it entails but I want to endorse it, because A) it involves PETS in a good a way, aka not EATING them. B) Animals = gooooood: give me fuzzy feelings and C) my pet has pretty much saved my soul. First you may want to know: I’ve never actually been to any type of therapy. Although lots of people I know tell me I should go, or at least they tell me, it has helped them. I am a very intense person, probably borderline bi-polar, or maybe I’m being too modest… or maybe I’m being naive.I have learned and/or inherited an overwhelming distrust of doctors and health professionals in general, so I really don’t want to go in and get diagnosed (with anything ever). I’m also against taking most prescription medication unless I feel like I’m literally going to die, and even then I usually have to be heavily persuaded.

I suffer from periods of severe depression, sometimes I cry for days, sometimes it’s so bad I can’t get out of bed, but then I also have these extreme manic highs where I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t even go to the bathroom until the project or whatever it is I’m obsessing about either gets complete, gets well-under way, or falls through. Sometimes I obsess over little things like, organizing or rearranging furniture, and I’ll do it insensately for hours because it’s just not quite right. It’s weird because I’m not a very clean person, scratch that, I’m a naturally messy person, but sometimes I just can’t go to sleep or think or function until I’ve reorganized every single cupboard and the fridge- but the piles on the floor are fine! It’s weird, I know, I’m weird… But I love the intensity that these highs come flooding in. Take over my body and transport me to my happy place. I wouldn’t want that to change.

Many of the other creative types, writers and artists I know are equally emotionally messed up, (no offence). It’s just a thing. I’m a little jealous of people that can create beautiful shit on a regular basis and not feeeeel sooo much. Maybe it’s just a pisces thing, but I know some of you will lose faith in me for saying it. I avoid binaries and ‘boxes’ like the plague but I just can’t fight this one, I fit into that flip-floppity fishy category so well. Whatever, deep down we’re all hypocrites. My point is that sometimes it gets really bad, but since I’ve had my dog Darla, I’ve been a lot more stable.

In the past, whenever I’m about to come back to my childhood town I have severe anxiety and kind of PTSD triggers from past shit (I don’t want to elaborate). I also usually experience depression whenever I move to a new place at least after the initial excitement wears off because I have no immediate friends and community other than my online networks. This time, it seems the feelings of isolation and desperation and general hopelessness have not accompanied me on this move. Or at least, not yet, but I don’t think they will come this time because I have this furry little companion that follows me everywhere. She even sits on me while I’m trying to do sit ups, and barks at the petals when I’m on the exercise bike. She loves me so deeply, and depends on me. She always wants to be close to me. Whether it is on my lap snoring, or chewing a bone on my foot: she will literally will follow me into the bathroom and sit and watch me pee if I let her. If I start feeling lonely or disheartened all I have to do is look in her eyes and look at those tiny little eyebrows. It’s all in those puppy eyebrows.

IMG_2843 Before I left Vancouver, I got drunk with an old co-worker, and she told me about how dogs evolved eyebrows only after spending time with humans so that they could express emotions to us and be able to communicate with people by means of facial expression. Apparently, their wild dog/wolf ancestors never had eyebrows. I don’t know if it was just some drunken ramblings, or if it holds any sort of factual evidence, but I like the idea. Ever since, I’ve been noticing dogs’ eyebrows way more than I ever did before. Seriously, look at those faces, look at those eyebrows!

The energy and love a dog or pet can give us is so strong and healing. Emotionally and physically. Their scent alone becomes a kind of medication. Their snuggles and language, their means of communicating can really lift your spirits even when you’re stuck so low you don’t think you’ll ever get up. If I ever go to actual therapy, I want it to be animal-assisted therapy, or at the very least have an animal-loving therapist who has lots of pets. Because people who don’t like animals just weird me out.

This is MY truth,

thanks for reading!

XOX HJL

Emerging from the Low

The clouds rolled in sometime in March

Thick shadows of grey and black

My internal weatherman predicted storms

God knows I’m prone to highs and lows

but God doesn’t even exist.

I know, I’m prone to highs and lows.

Usually I wouldn’t have it any other way

I like to, feel, everything…

But this time I got stuck , down deep, in a rut

Discouraged from the bottom of the canyon

Not even bothering to look up

to touch the rock or clay

I curled in the fetal position

And pitied myself

For months

Hoping if I just lay there very still

Something would happen

The earth would start to shake

Someone would find me and pull me out

But how could that even happen, when I had no light to shine

No voice to call for help

“I can’t connect with anyone.”

I just kept saying over and over again

Shutting my doors. Pulling the blankets over my head.

Letting sleep take me away.

“That’s how everyone feels, sometimes” my mother would say.

Just go on Anti-depressents already,

that’s what the others would say.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I don’t know why.

I locked my ambition in a box

and lost the key

My passion drowned in the sewer pipes down the street

I stayed in a box

Walls on each side, protecting me from anymore harm

not even the sunshine could bring me back to life

May, June, July,
August: my favourite month

Still the world was grey

and I did my best to escape

eat more, drink more, sleep more,

watch TV,

sleep again.

I am forever tired

forever trying to escape,

but today I finally feel different,

if only just a little.

A tiny spark-

Direction-

light.

Words on the tip of my tongue…

A Lesbian Breakup Experience

A Lesbian Breakup Experience

Last Monday I missed my weekly blogging session for the first time since I started this blog in January… And today I struggle to write anything more than a few lines. The last two weeks have been pretty rocky to say the least. I’ve been struggling to keep the promise I made to myself when I first returned home to Canada- to work on myself outside of a relationship- to take care of myself and eat and sleep and drink water, and just basically function on my own…

I am absolutely terrified of being alone, I’m constantly flailing, and it is completely ridiculous, and unhealthy. More than ever, I know I need to work on myself, and find inner strength, acceptance, love and forgiveness for myself for having to make the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. 

So yeah, I’m a complete mess!

Thank-goodness for everyone around me that has been here to listen, and allow me to cry and cry, and be completely emo, depressed, lost, and self-absorbed!

Someone suggested I start reading about other people’s heartbreaks and separation experiences online so I’ve been doing that, but getting annoyed because most of what is on the net is reeeeeally freaking heteronormative not to mention sexist and essentialist! But I did find this one blog that I can really relate to, so I thought I’d share it!  

Just a warning though, if you are recently single and/or in a mentally unstable state, reading this will probably make you cry.

HJL

2. Storms, Floods, Impending Doom…

flood
Dear Blogosphere,

This past week has been flooded with anxiety, sadness, tears, and rain. It seems the sky, like my heart, has cracked open and is leaking everywhere. Unsure of how to move forward without destroying everything and everyone in my path, I am not feeling ‘under-the-weather’ I am feeling smack-dab in the epicentre of the current storm. I am Tornado Heidi, a whirlwind of confusion, emotion, and unpredictable, high- pressured leakage. My future is spinning around me, I can’t see which direction is right, which one is safe! And do I want safe? Or do I want panic, and disaster? Does a small part of me thrive on chaos?

The summer heat has built up so much pressure, the cyclones have hijacked our weekend. Many Australians have lost their homes due to flooding (which is something that is not completely uncommon here in Queensland, I’ve been informed by long-time residents that minor flooding happens along the Brisbane river almost every season) it is horribly tragic none-the-less. The water rushes forward to devour cars, trees, buildings. A tornado warning was issued last night. Today, a river falls from the sky. People are being evacuated from their homes. Others are already stranded on their rooftops awaiting rescue.

I have never seen so much rain, so much water. It is nothing like the steady and persistent drizzle that can last for months in Vancouver, Canada. Here, the rain comes down with such pressure it bounces two feet off of the ground, off of wood and cement and the rusted metal of an old car’s ‘boot.’ Each raindrop becomes airborne once again and joins forces with a million other droplets to create new rivers in the middle of the city. Swift currents race down sidewalks and roads, spitting up at the turning wheels of every jeep, every truck. On the news they show footage of entire cars being gobbled up by the flood.

And here I sit, indoors, literally safe, emotionally drowning, with dark cloudy thoughts. I am pondering the question, to be or not to be… [in a relationship], like it is a life-threatening, like if I don’t decided right this instant, the world will end. Like, if I make the wrong choice, the wrong decision, I will lose everything, I will lose myself.

I want two things simultaneously, I want the security, the comfort, the beauty of sharing my life with another, a person who I cherish, respect, love deeply and adore, and who loves me, supports me, inspires me. I also want to know I can be alone, understand my own weaknesses, my own strengths. Am I scared of being alone? …Sometimes. I wonder if that is what keeps me tethered? Or if there is more here: a deep-rooted connection, a force of fait or faith, of love. I want to be sure I can survive on my own, and not float away into clouds of fantasy.
But can I do both?
Can I know myself with another and know myself alone? Can I accomplish everything I hope to while still being a good lover, a good friend? Or will my selfish nature, my greed, (which I like to euphemise as “my ambition”) destroy everything? Can I capture my dreams first, then capture your heart later? Or can we capture our dreams together, and stay strong, and independent.

My soul may be older and wiser than my mind, but my mind is louder, and it is screaming to my heart.

The weather channel predicts more storms, more rain, more flooding. For me, for you, for everyone, I predict more confusion, more tears. These storms will come and go in life, in relationships. But, doubt is not alway synonymous with doom. At least I know myself enough to know that my emotional storms come with all of the strength, passion, and force of a tropical climate. When it rains, it pours. When sadness comes it floods. When the sunreturns, perhaps I’ll burn with a new emotion, I’ll sizzle in clarity.

Until next time,

Heidi J. Loos