Wow, it’s been a year since I wrote anything on here. A lot can happen in 365 days; a lot can change. Last year on this day I was so full of hope and motivation; I’m trying to find that again, but 2018 took a lot out of me. Sometimes we just can’t plan for the storms that break in our lives. 2018 hit me like a tsunami; I wasn’t ready for it, I wasn’t expecting it, and now I just want to pick up my broken pieces. I’ve been struggling more than I like to admit with heartbreak, with anxiety and depression. I’ve always loved planning for the future; I used to have a 5 year plan, 10 year even, I had my future all planned out: I thought my wife and I would buy our dream house on the East Coast and live in it and raise a family here. But I guess the universe had different plans for us. We separated this summer, and the past few months have been some of the loneliest and hardest of my life.
But I want to take a moment to reflect on the good things that happened in 2018, and list some of the things I achieved and/or am grateful for.
I found, bought and currently live in my dream home.
I hosted some great parties here.
My short film, Hands Don’t Lie played in film festivals in Canada, Grease and Croatia.
I filmed and edited a TV commercial that aired in Canada and in Europe. Also, I created tons of funny, silly, and cute social media videos for my work at ORB.
I played soooo much roller derby, I was on three different teams, (played 29 games and lots of scrimmages!) I got several MVP jammer awards, and I improved a lot.
My league even gave me “the Raddest” award which made me cry happy tears.
I made lots of new friends, and have been reaching out to them and asking for the support I need.
I feel very connected to my lovely supportive derby community.
I went for lots of beautiful walks and hikes with my dogs.
I didn’t give up even when I wanted to. I didn’t lose or quit my job. I didn’t lose my house. I didn’t give up my life. I’m still here, I survived, and I’m proud of that.
So my 2019 goals are not grandiose. This year, they are simple, gentle goals, tiny intentions to help myself heal and grow.
- I will give myself the kind of love and compassion I give to others
- I will ask for help when I need it
- I will get professional help to heal my body and my mind.
- I will swim in the ocean
- I will host more excellent parties
- I will spend time doing the things I love. AKA hanging out with my dogs, dancing, cuddling, spending time in nature, spending time with people who make my heart happy, and sooo much roller derby!
- I will work towards my personal fitness goals
- I will create something beautiful.
- I will be gentle and patient with myself.
2019 is a year for ME, for healing, for selfcare and personal growth.