Tag Archives: roller derby

Gentle Goals for 2019

Wow, it’s been a year since I wrote anything on here. A lot can happen in 365 days; a lot can change. Last year on this day I was so full of hope and motivation; I’m trying to find that again, but 2018 took a lot out of me. Sometimes we just can’t plan for the storms that break in our lives. 2018 hit me like a tsunami; I wasn’t ready for it, I wasn’t expecting it, and now I just want to  pick up my broken pieces. I’ve been struggling more than I like to admit with heartbreak, with anxiety and depression. I’ve always loved planning for the future; I used to have a 5 year plan, 10 year even, I had my future all planned out: I thought my wife and I would buy our dream house on the East Coast and live in it and raise a family here. But I guess the universe had different plans for us. We separated this summer, and the past few months have been some of the loneliest and hardest of my life.

But I want to take a moment to reflect on the good things that happened in 2018, and list some of the things I achieved and/or am grateful for.

I found, bought and currently live in my dream home.

I hosted some great parties here.

My short film, Hands Don’t Lie played in film festivals in Canada, Grease and Croatia.

I filmed and edited a TV commercial that aired in Canada and in Europe. Also, I created tons of funny, silly, and cute social media videos for my work at ORB.

I played soooo much roller derby, I was on three different teams, (played 29 games and lots of scrimmages!) I got several MVP jammer awards, and I improved a lot.

My league even gave me “the Raddest” award which made me cry happy tears.

I made lots of new friends, and have been reaching out to them and asking for the support I need.

I feel very connected to my lovely supportive derby community.

I went for lots of beautiful walks and hikes with my dogs.

I didn’t give up even when I wanted to. I didn’t lose or quit my job. I didn’t lose my house.   I didn’t give up my life. I’m still here, I survived, and I’m proud of that.

So my 2019 goals are not grandiose. This year, they are simple, gentle goals, tiny intentions to help myself heal and grow.

2019 Planner

  1. I will give myself the kind of love and compassion I give to others
  2. I will ask for help when I need it
  3. I will get professional help to heal my body and my mind.
  4. I will swim in the ocean
  5. I will host more excellent parties
  6. I  will spend time doing the things I love. AKA hanging out with my dogs, dancing, cuddling, spending time in nature, spending time with people who make my heart happy, and sooo much roller derby!
  7. I will work towards my personal fitness goals
  8. I will create something beautiful.
  9. I will be gentle and patient with myself.

2019 is a year for ME, for healing, for selfcare and personal growth.









8 Intentions for 2018

26511174_10155970438740912_1949145620_oI realized the new years resolutions I make every year are more like intentions rather than resolutions because I’m not resolving to change anything. Resolutions sounds negative… I’m proud of everything i did last year! And excited about everything I will achive in 2018!!!! So here are my 8  Intentions for 2018.

1. Derby Derby Derby (This year- roller derby is my #1, so I’ve deemed 2018 the year of the rollerskates.)

2. Fitness & Weight Training- In 2017, I did well on and off with my body-building goals but this year I want to get a regular gym routine and stick to it for the WHOLE year. 🙂

3. Make at least one short film (Roller Derby love story perhaps?)

4.  Read More! (I have a great stack of books to get me started on this.)

5. Regular Date Nights ❤ I’m always so busy, but this year I want to make sure I make time for love, magic & romance!

6. Monthly Video Chats with Family – Staying connected has always been a challenge for me, but I really want to make a solid effort to chat with everyone regularly especially the niblings!

7.  Doggy Training Time. The little ones need to go to obedience school! Especially Scarlett since she’s in her peeing everywhere chewing-everything puppy phase! And Darla thinks she can get away with anything…

8. Purchase our First Home! We know we’re here in Nova Scotia to stay, so we’re looking for the perfect first house for us…  Fingers crossed we’ll find it and buy it sometime this year!

Good luck with all of your goals and dreams for 2018! And remember- 2018 is the YEAR OF THE ROLLERSKATES.






Not Fun-Knee!

I had my surgery consultation today and unfortunately my knee is even more screwed up than my doctor thought. I found out last week that the MRI showed a complete ACL tear, but the surgeon says there is more to it than that. I also have damage to my outer ligament and scuffing on the bone so he cannot do the ACL repair surgery here as my kneeds are too great! >.< Additional repairs must be done at the same time making the surgery a lot more complicated than they initially thought. Now I have been put on another wait list to get a consultation with a sports medicine surgeon who works out of UBC.

Keep your fingers crossed for me… I need my knee for roller derby! (among other things…)


But seriously joining roller derby is hands down one of the best things I have done this past year. It was on my bucketlist even before I moved to Australia in 2012 and I am so happy I finally joined. The Yukon Roller Girls has been the most wonderful, welcoming and supportive league to do my fresh meat training, min skills test, and play in my first bout. I absolutely love the sport, the competitiveness it brings out of me, and the extended derby community. I just hate not being able to play. I was heartbroken to sit out the 1st YRG home bout in over 3 years, but glad I could at least film it.

I knew my knee was really messed up when I first injured it in June- and by the way: I DID NOT injure it during derby, it was during SOCCERkneeinjury

and FYI soccer and basketball are known to injure way more knees than roller derby ever will, so don’t believe what your mama tells you when she says roller derby is far too dangerous… Derby is good for the soul! Anyway I did everything the physiotherapist said to do and was off skates for three months. But when I was still experiencing weakness and pain all the way up my leg I decided to listen to my body for once and go back to the Doc.

The resident doctor I went to basically told me to suck it up and that there was nothing wrong. He said I didn’t need an MRI, so I had to get my physiotherapist to write a letter recommending the doctor to refer me for imaging. Thankfully that worked, but it was kind of annoying to say the least. I have had a few really frustrating experiences with doctors and I find they never really listen to me. Maybe because so many people use Dr. Google and are hypochondriacs, but I really think as patients we do know our bodies best so what we have to say about it shouldn’t just be dismissed. I actually have a really high pain tolerance (I think). Anyway for the last two months I have been going to the gym or swimming every single morning, and for the last month I’ve been back at derby. However, since the MRI results last week the Doctor has urged me to stop doing any contact until I get my custom knee brace ordered. If I do further damage to the other ligaments now my knee may not be fixable with surgery.

I get to order my custom knee brace tomorrow which will cost me $1,350 :O and if I can’t get in to see the specialist at UBC (which would only be partially covered by medical) my other option is the Cambie clinic in Vancouver but knee surgery there will likely cost me about $10,000.

So do me a favour, and if you have two good knees don’t take those little buggers forgranted.


Love & Gratitude,

Heidi J. Loos

aka Raging Radish

6. A Derby Date With Myself

Do you ever feel awkward going solo to events or restaurants or places where it is typical for people to go in pairs or even in packs? Do you think about everyone darting their little beady eyes at you, maybe grunting, snickering to their partners and friends, growling and drooling judgement, getting down low to the ground and circling you, ready to attack! Obviously because they mistake you for another species, or some rare breed of human, one they don`t understand, don`t want to understand, “the loner in the corner“, or just a lone alien specimen.

Do you imagine the very worst? And then stop yourself before you even get out the door, into your car, or onto public transit, and say: “well, actually if no one else can make it, maybe I`ll skip this one out… We can always go next time.“

I do this. And I think it`s bullshit.

Especially coming from someone who loves spending time alone…Everyone who knows me, knows that I go crazy without a little me-time. But usually my `me-time` is spent writing or reading or practicing violin in the privacy in my own home or in nature, in the woods, at the park, places and things that are `normal` to go and do alone.

But why should we be afraid to go out and do things or watch things we are interested in, or enjoy delicious food in a dim lighted romantic restaurant, alone. It`s not like you need someone else there to taste the food or drink the wine for you. Maybe pay the bill for you but…just kidding, (I may be pretty femme sometimes but I`ll pay my own way). But seriously, why not? Alone, you can close eyes and really enjoy each bite without having someone interrupt you and rip you away from another mouthgasm. Not every memory stitched into your mind needs to have a duplicate pattern on someone elses subconscious. Your memory, your day can be your day, just yours: a date with yourself.

Or maybe all of you single people do this already because you live off a healthy diet of independence and self-confidence. And us couples begin to binge on coexistence, on hanging out with your mate, always, or back in Canada, your bud 😉 and your friend. Or perhaps I shouldn`t generalize based on relationship status. I`m sure there are plenty of people who can leave their partner, or spouse or lovers at home and treat themself to dinner and a movie or lunch and a live theatre matinée or poetry slam or whatever tickles your fancy, floats your boat, munches your bunches nom nom nom- without a second thought…I envy you. But I also know that I am not alone in this petty little insecurity because society tends to tell us that it is weird, and wrong, and creepy, and sad, like, really sad, heartbreaking even, when people have no one to do things with. And lets face it, `choosing` to do things alone is usually presented as a myth, like, is it really a choice or is it just some sticky beige coverup for being a loner, for being friendless.

Screw that.

You know what I think is more depressing than being friendless, not knowing how to have fun by yourself. Cause we can surround ourselves by family and friends and lovers and acquaintances, but if we can`t even get ourselves off we can`t expect other people to do it for us- at least, not all the time, (I`m using that as a metaphor, but in the literal sense, masturbation is always a wise choice, then again, that`s coming from a proud sinner). But honestly, how do you expect other people to make you happy if you can`t make yourself happy and go out and do things that make you happy, alone? Don`t worry, I`m not putting you on the spot, I asked myself this too…

Yesterday I asked myself out on a date. I was little nervous because I wasn`t sure if I was going to get rejected, but…….. I said yes, phewww! I got ready, put on my sexy shoes, and got pretty for myself. And it went wonderfully.

I went to a double header roller derby bout, put on by The Victorian Roller Derby Leage and I bought myself two ciders and a hot dog.


Best. date. ever.

Despite getting lost on the way there and having the tram driver tell me to get off and go the other direction when in fact I was going the right way to begin with… I made it eventually. Mind you, I was almost two hours late, but it was a five hour long event so I still got to see a lot of it. And one of the perks of dating yourself, no one was waiting for me, no one even knew I was coming, so I didn`t let anyone down.

And I cheered my ass off.

I saw the tail end of the first bout, but the full-on sweaty and heated second, a rematch of last seasons champions, the Rock Mobsters vs. the Dolls of Hazzard, and it blew my mind! I wasn`t a derby virgin, but I wasn`t far off, I`d only ever been to one Roller Derby match before when I was living in Vancouver! But this time, the difference was, I actually understood what was going on and how the scoring worked! Last time around I just cheered for the players with the coolest tights, or the ones I thought were hot, and I cheered whenever someone fell down… But once you understand what is happening, Roller Derby is quite possibly the coolest,  most exciting and vicious sport to watch.

And roller derby even has its own language, its own derby culture. It is fascinating…  I felt like an anthropologist going into to a foreign land to observe, to witness, scribbling notes frantically in my mind. The names… the derby names! They are fantastic. G-Banger got over twenty points in one jam, but Skate Bush set the record at thirty points in a single jam. I was rooting for Bush.

Afterwards on the bus, some guy asked me if my team won. I smiled and said, yeah. But really, I hadn’t been being monogamous in my cheering. I wasn’t tied down to either team. I was just cheering for whichever team was the underdog and it was such a close match that it kept changing. But in the end, I said yeah, I won. My team won.


Because I went alone. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t sad, it wasn’t pathetic…

It was awesomely epic.

I think I might ask myself to a second date, perhaps a little more intimate, more romantic…

Who am I kidding, what is more intimate than Roller Derby?

Yours Truly,


Heidi J. Loos